Becoming Friends with Self-Awareness pt 2
the journey is long, the waters are cold and the journey is here to stay; are you going to keep moving?
Continuing from last month’s exploration of self-awareness, I wanted to put down some more observations I made from spending time with myself. After a successful debut of hosting online conversations with friendly intellectuals around the world, my breath returned and I channelled that energy into moving out and into a new home for the rest of 2020.
I’ve always had a dramatic flair, and I’m the kind of person that would go off on a 3 day isolation retreat to celebrate my birthday, so it made sense for me to just pack up and go. Some people in my life reminded me that living alone is a privilege, which fuelled my existentialism even further to do it while I still can. I lingered on the burden and obligations I have picked up over the year, to others and especially to myself. I felt them creeping up faster than I could unwind from my codependency. Finally, I made the decision to love and let live, to let go.
For the past month, I was hazily introduced to new responsibilities and complexities as a caregiver. My role had multiplied, my arms extended beyond family. Finally, someone put a mirror to me and said, 'everyone needs saving but you can't be everybody's saviour'. This rang in my ear loud and clear, and beyond the haze was clarity on the projects I wanted to work on, skills to sharpen, and curiosities to dive into.
The opportunity to host said online conversation stoked a fire in me that I knew existed, but needed constant poke & prod from the person who kept forgetting to do it, i.e. me. Stepping into a (virtual) room with 20 other people to represent myself was foreign territory that I’ve had to traverse for professional reasons, but never out of personal motivation. The act of showing up with my own thoughts and individuality led me to think more about how self-awareness plays a role in representing myself.
'Congratulations, you were glowing!'
'Please tell me there will be a next one, I can't wait!'
While I was immensely grateful for the kind words offered to me, and had no doubt they were sincere, I had trouble making my own judgements about the experience. I wanted to be happy for my performance, but I was also busy looking out for details where things went wrong. Was it a compliment sandwich? Did I cut somebody off? Were my opinions too weird? My mind insisted on nitpicking rather than sit with celebration & joy, perhaps because I fundamentally didn't believe I deserved to be happy?
Erasing awareness and cultivating denial are often essential to survival (of trauma victims), but the price is that you lose track of who you are, of what you are feeling, and of what and whom you can trust.
📖 The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
I know there are areas in my brain that are inconsistent with reality at best, harmful at worst; I will never stop questioning the reliability of my thoughts. Could I sever from the intrusive thoughts that I have? Even then there is self-betrayal, because why would you cut away what is fundamentally part of you?
I now know that intrusive thoughts are here to stay, that our default mode network will only reflect and amplify what we’re unhappy about. In meditation, I learn to detach from my thoughts so that I can observe rather than identify with them. By reducing my attachment to irrational & harmful thoughts, I can apply curiousity & kindness to the narrative, letting them go as if watching a cloud disappear, holding my own hand as we do the hard work of reorganising our own brain.
I have no illusions that building up self-awareness will take years of practice, and lots of kindness directed at myself. I'm a long way from my last panic attack, and I'm choosing to immerse myself in love & beauty above all.
It is the night sea journey that allows us to free the energy trapped in these cast-off parts—trapped in what Marion would call “the shadow.” The goal of this journey is to reunite us with ourselves. Such a homecoming can be surprisingly painful, even brutal. In order to undertake it, we must first agree to exile nothing.
📖 The Great Work of Your Life — Stephen Cope
Dearest friend and reader, if you are on your own night sea journey, I admire you for your courage to do the shadow work. It is meaningful and valid, and I hope that you find other seafarers along the way, as I have.
What’s in the Lunch Box
Since I don’t have a kitchen in my new place, there’s less reason for me to get distracted by baking and cooking. Instead, I have arranged for someone else to prepare my meals for me so it’s been a major role reversal this month.
Here’s a fabulous naked burrito bowl I had yesterday:
Thank you so much for reading my lunch box. I spend a few hours weekly practising my writing, and lunch box has been a huge indication of progress for me. If you would like to help me move the progress needle, let me know if my writing has resonated with you by clicking on the little heart ♥️ at the bottom!